Loving Myself With Reckless Abandon

The women pictured above are quite fantastic. These daring, patient, passionate and fearless women love me with reckless abandon. They are my best friends, my sisters.

In the past eighteen months, I got engaged, traveled to Turkey, Romanian and Hungary, got married, had a health scare and accomplished a rather large professional goal. Four months ago, I realized that the person I'd become was not the me that I used to love. I couldn't find that woman. I knew she was in me, somewhere. I also knew that I needed help finding her. I asked for help. This was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I am proud. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I believe that I can and should be able to do everything and anything for everyone in my life. I found a therapist, M, and began going to weekly session. In the first month, I learned that I am a perfectionist. This blew my mind. I would never have characterized myself as a perfectionist. I learned that I suffer from extremely high anxiety. I thought I was living with mild anxiety. Last but not least, my perfectionism and anxiety are rooted in shame. Rooted. In. Shame. This was a huge shock. I don't think of myself as a shameful person. Alas, all of the discoveries were needed.

I am learning to like myself. I will love myself. . . with reckless abandon.

Just Broken. Not Junk.

So...I almost lost my mind. Studying for the bar was about the hardest experience I have ever had. I was so broken. I felt so alone and I desperately felt like a failure. I didn't believe that I could possibly fit all of the information that I needed in my head. I didn't believe that I was meant to be a lawyer.

I saw my best friend, Kaylee, in June and she told me that I was unreconizable.

I was completely broken. I was hopeless. Kaylee prayed for me that day. A few weeks later she was back in town and I sobbed in her arms as she prayed with me. Well, for me. I wasn't really praying. I felt so lost and just didn't think that calling on God in my time of need was fair. If I couldn't be a believer when things were good why should God help me out when things were hard. I forgot. I forgot that God is a LOVING God. Not hateful or sptiteful. God is not human. God does not harbor a grudge. Don't get me wrong, God knows how to keep us wiley humans in line.

She left that Friday morning and I went about my business. I should note that in this whole Bar world I also called my father. That's for another post. I found myself trying to control all of the things that I could. I tried to control my daddy issues. I started talking about getting new friends and moving out because I couldn't deal with my roommate. That Sunday, I was on my way to school and I found myself pulling the cord on the bus to get off at Congress. I had gone to to Willow Chicago when it was just a pilot church and met on the basketball court of a local gym. I had only been once in July 2006. Three years later, I found myself in the beautiful Auditorium Theatre studying an outline, waiting for service to begin. I went to church.

I mean, I WENT to church. I sang. I cried. I laid it all in his hands. I even filled out that little information card and said that I was interested in volunteering with the children's ministry. Even still, I filled out a prayer request that simply said, "I feel lost. I am studying to take the bar exam." I put my information card in with the offering. When service ended, I left and went to school to study in the library for the rest of the day.

For the next two weeks, I went to church on Sunday and spent the rest of my time in the library. But, God put Kaylee in my life. She'd told me about this cool Bible she had just bought. I got on amazon and I was so excited the day it came in the mail. I was willing to put it all out there for the Lord.

I was so anxious in those days right before the bar exam. I could feel the anxiety in my chest. I couldn't eat that Tuesday morning. I almost threw up. God knew. God knew that I could do it. God made sure that I could do it and let me know in so many ways. The name of the wife in one of my essay questions was Wilma. My granny's name. Man, I mean, God, she really was watching over me. And, it was a family law question and I knew family law. I knew from that point on that I was capable of doing all that God had planned for me and I WANTED to do it. I wanted it.